Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
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A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.