First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
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(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Twitter is the new flypaper.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
*watches the world burn*
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.