So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 馃ゲ
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Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn鈥檛 possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I鈥檝e wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger鈥檚 family.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.