Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
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[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
the best thing i’ve ever made
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”