There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
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I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.