Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
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*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Tell me you get it…🤣
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them