A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
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Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath