Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
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Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead