McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
You Might Also Like
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Finally, an explanation.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.