I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
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[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.