Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
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[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I need better friends
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Two types of dogs.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
o shit
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*