Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
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Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
How high do the levels go?
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.