Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
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It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: