To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
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I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.