My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
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[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Catering service
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY