Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
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the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
mariah carrie
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*