Check your privilege
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car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed