Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
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Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I cannot call her anything else now
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.