caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
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Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does