Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
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Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
this is literally a CIA plant
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.