Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
You Might Also Like
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like