I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
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-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
She: I like Cats
He:
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it