I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
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Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ