Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
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drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Software Development ⛵️
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
step 6: release the wall snake
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
so i’m at the stock market right
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.