Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
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Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?