I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
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COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
This is my favorite one of these!
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time