Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
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‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.