Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
You Might Also Like
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me