[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
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Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Meow?
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship