[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
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I’m not average. I’m mean.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
very niche meme I made
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.