I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
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This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.