Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
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Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”