Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
You Might Also Like
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Good morning y’all ☀️
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.