But it’s not the “worst way” either…
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[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
twitter is a journey
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Salad is the decaf of food.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
real
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.