Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
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Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.