*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
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I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
me before I type out affect or effect
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.