[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
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“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.