Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
You Might Also Like
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
what’s more important?
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.