馃泚
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CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
I didn鈥檛 have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you鈥檙e not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
When I鈥檓 eating shared nachos I鈥檓 always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
You鈥檙e not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it鈥檚 like they鈥檝e been tailing me.
There鈥檚 no need to use military time with me. I鈥檓 pretty sure I won鈥檛 show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he鈥檚 not your soulmate.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.