Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
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Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
FINE, I WON’T.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
A fake ID that makes you younger
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Omg 🤣
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand