“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
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Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
seems like a niche market
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
My first child will be named New Folder.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.