Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
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I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.