There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
You Might Also Like
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.