Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
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Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast