‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
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“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
waiting for halloween be like:
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials