Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
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Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
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Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer