I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
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Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
✌🏽
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
This meal prepping shit easy
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
happy mother’s day❤️
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals