Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
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“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
#JohnTravolta
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “