approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
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Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours