*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
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Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?